why do you want to get married

So! You Want to Get Married! | by Cassie Murdoch | The Hairpin | MediumMenuLife Tips that do not suck recent articles Popular itemsNothing foundI'm sorry, but nothing matches your search terms. Please try again with different keywords.4 Terrible reasons to get married (and 4 really good) There are many good reasons to get married. There are also many absolutely terrible reasons to marry. Here are some of us. Years ago, I thought of myself as someone who would probably never get married. I thought it was just "credit" for relationships that were fun but ultimately short-lived. I got out a lot, I lay down and I always had an exit strategy. Looking forward to today and as a happily married man, I am sincerely surprised how easy the transition to a committed and lasting relationship was for me. In fact, it feels so good! The truth is, while I was doing a lot of work on myself, many of them were just looking for a good partner. I have hundreds of emails every year of people. And a lot of people are engaged or thinking about getting married. I often want to shake a giant neon flag to them screaming, "Don't do it!" because getting married for the wrong reasons can have terrible consequences – not only emotionally, but financially, too. After working with dozens of couples on this subject, I have prepared two checklists below that summarizes everything. The first checklist is the BAD reasons why people get married. The second checklist describes the good reasons for marriage. Look. Terrible reasons to marry Most of these horrible reasons to get married probably seem obvious and perhaps even a little ridiculous. But for many of us, it is very difficult to take one and see them for what they really are. Sometimes your true intentions are hidden and you just need someone to shake them lovingly to the surface for you. So here, let me help you with that. Terrible reason to marry #1: Solving your relationship problems For some reason, many people seem to think that something magical happens when you get married and all the fights and disappear. This is tragically wrong. Commit to someone when marrying amplifies all the facets of their relationship. So if you, that love and respect can grow and evolve into a married couple. But the same is true for the problems you have in your relationship. If you are bad at communicating in your relationship, malcommunications will only get worse in your marriage. If you don't have respect for each other, you won't win it by getting married. You'll probably lose it even more. Basically, when you get married, things can get even better if they're already good, but they only get worse if they're bad. Terrible reason to marry #2: Because you're afraid to be alone Being can only really suck. What sucks even more, however, is marrying the next person who comes simply because you're tired of being alone, and then they turn out to be terrible to you. You probably heard this before. But nobody's gonna be happy being with you if you can't be happy being alone. I bet nobody told you how to do that. After all, it looks like a catch-22: you need to be happy for yourself before you can make someone else happy, but you're not happy because you don't have someone who makes you happy. The problem is the way you're judging and valuing yourself. You are assessing the opinions of others of you more than you are valued by your own opinion of yourself. You think your value as a person is determined by who you're with. Think about how fucked up it is for a second. Get in. Then find someone because you're already kicking so much ass. Terrible reason to marry #3: to try something Maybe your crazy aunt keeps telling you about how "the watch is ticking" and you're not getting younger. Or your father thinks you need ". Or maybe your parents got divorced and you're determined to show the world you're better than them. Or all your friends are married now and you want to show them you're not just the third or fifth or eleventh wheel all the time. Sometimes it's a little more subtle but so fucked up. Like, some people see marriage as a status symbol, so they marry thinking that they will parade around the city with their spouse and people will bow down in their presence as if they had conquered Westeros or something. Whatever it is, marrying to prove something to someone — or yourself — is a horrible reason to do it. Terrible reason to marry #4: Because it is the terrible reason to marry #4: Because it is practicalDepending on which country you live, a legal marriage can come with many practical benefits. You may be tempted to marry to qualify for tax cuts, receive the social security benefits of your spouse, be able to adopt, obtain a spouse visa, etc. There's nothing wrong with receiving these advantages, but if it's the only reason you marry someone, that is, commit to them until death separates you, then something's not right. The fact is that a marriage is not going to work unless both are. The state can treat you differently, but outside your family, the world really doesn't care if you get married. Billions of people have. You don't have a gold star and extra warm cookies on the plane just because you're married. You can't rub it on anyone's face for more than a few months, up. Then what? I'll tell you what: then you're stuck in a marriage trying to figure out if it was worth it after all. So if any of these terrible reasons to marry apply to your situation, well first, don't get married. Second, work on you. Learn about and in relationships. Familiarize yourself with so that you can improve your satisfaction and meet the needs of others. It takes a long time, but it will save you a lot of pain and maybe a divorce or three on the road. On the other hand, if you can take an honest look at your relationship and say that none of these terrible reasons to marry apply to your situation, then great. Keep reading. Should we get married? ChecklistAlright, so you've determined that you're not thinking of getting married for the wrong reasons, but you're not out of the woods yet, my friend. Then some of what I have determined to be the most important aspects of a relationship that goes well for . And even though I am calling this a "verification list", I am not saying that this can be boiled to a few "yes/no" questions and that's all. But if your relationship doesn't have these things anymore, let's say it's going to be pretty hard to make a marriage work in the long term.1. Fighting WellA is not a relationship without arguments. A healthy relationship is a relationship with healthy arguments. What I mean is that not only are inevitable struggles in even the happiest marriage, which can actually be a good thing for the relationship if they fight in a healthy way. That means, when you get upset and argue with each other, you try to get to the root of the problem itself and don't attack the other person for who they are. So, for example, maybe your partner would blow you when you really needed them and you felt hurt by it. Instead of telling them they're a fucking tearing face who only cares for themselves, you should probably try to understand why you're so hurt in the first place and direct that to them. Are you afraid to leave yourself in moments like this? And if so, do you really understand that? Is there any way you can communicate when you really need them and are willing to work with you? Most arguments in relationships come from a . But that also means that there is a chance for both a) to find out what the needs of each one are and b) to learn to meet their needs and meet the needs of the other person. And so, when done from a place of mutual respect for the needs of others, that is how arguments can be a healthy part of a relationship. And when you fight, it's important that you ultimately forgive and forgive yourself. You do not continue to pose old problems, but instead, you recognize when someone is wrong and you accept their apology (and they do and change their behavior). But you also admit when you're wrong and forgive yourself for it instead of continuing to hit you. Once again, the fights are inevitable, so you need to make sure you're fighting well before you get married. Otherwise, get ready to deal with a very short, tumultuous marriage or a very long and miserable marriage.2. You have Worldviews and Similar Visions for Your FutureTo and ask yourself this about your relationship: does your life go in the same direction and do it? Or is there friction when it comes to it? Do your and/or lifestyles swell well with each other? If one of you wants to be an actor and live in Los Angeles and one of you wants to live a quiet life on a farm in Idaho, how exactly is it going to work? One of you will have to give up, creating a downward spiral of resentment and . And then no one "wins".Similarly, if one of you wants to spend your money on but one of you would prefer to buy a nice, big house and stay at home to take care of it, which is also a recipe for conflict on the road. Essentially, if one of you has to give up your, your, your, is simply not going to work. One or both will end up unhappy and resentful. And if one or both have to suppress or change their values somehow, they're also in a rocky marriage. Things like raising children (or if you want them at all), religion, etc. Many of these things are not sexy to think, but again, any problem you have now in your relationship will be magnified in your marriage. And the bigger the issue, the harder it will be to ignore it for a long time.3. There is a strong friendship that sustains the relationshipA fact of any long-term relationship is that, sexual desire comes and goes, and . So it's better to have someone you can count on in other ways when these things happen. You should marry someone who's not just for you, they're also your friend. A good friendship implies, flaws and everything. They might bother you somehow and get angry at others, but at the end of the day, you still want to be there for them and you want them to be there for you. Don't get sick, but when you need your space, none of you take it personally and give it to each other. And perhaps the most important thing, you think in terms of "us" and "us" and not "you" and "me". This is a product of having shared values that manifests itself as a solid and loving friendship. Of course, the autonomy of others is recognized and respected. But you are also a team, working towards the same goals. If instead, you feel that the other person is always interfering with your independence, then you have a disadjustment in values (see above) or you have some preventative tendencies you need to treat (see my article in ). Either way, you need to fix this before you get married.4. You see marriage as an exciting option, not an obligation Finally, you should not see marrying as something you have to do for any reason. And I don't mean that someone gives you an ultimatum—"we need to get married or leave"—although it is definitely a giant red flag that doesn't get married. But you shouldn't feel that you have to get married because "that's what people do" or because you've been with someone for a long time and you feel like you owe it to them. A marriage—and any relationship, actually—is something that is created by two people. It's a project, not an obligation. And like any project worth doing in life, it can be difficult sometimes, but it must also be exciting and, in the end, it is worth both. Books on Relationships and MarriagePeople's Lots ask me what books I would recommend to understand and create better relationships that can lead to healthy marriage. The truth is, most of the books on the subject give a pretty crappy advice, vague that is not all that useful. Having said this, there are some books that I regularly recommend to people, and I checked those of another article: . To give you the fist of it, however: You can also get me and learn more about dealing with emotional needs in your relationships. More articles on relationships I have also written a lot about relationships, which makes them good and what makes them bad, why they thrive and why they die, and what you can do to start having better. Here is a list of some of the most popular and some of my favorites as well. How to Stop Fucking Your Romantic Relationships can be complicated and difficult. But few people know there are pretty clear signs to know if a relationship is going to work or not. Put your email in the form to receive my 29-page e-book on healthy relationships. You will also receive updates on new articles, books and other things I'm working on. You can choose at any time. Look at my .Related ArticlesWait! Here are 3 ideas that could change your lifeLearn about the idea that transformed a depressed sign into one of the most important philosophers that ever lived. Read about it in my 19-page e-book. Subscribe to the site and access more amazing shitHello there. This is the part of the website where I put a big grin on my face and shout "But wait! There is more!" in you in the hope of keeping your attention for more than 30 milliseconds. Because wait, there's actually more. If you would like to see some online courses I have prepared, if you would like to get items and special answers from subscribers only from me, and if you'd like to hear me answer reader questions like Anne put Landers and talk a little more about my own experiences, my business enterprises, and what you eat for breakfast on Sundays, well, then there's really more. Much more. Become a subscriber to the site and get all those extra cool things. Just click on the beautiful and beautiful button below to start.

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Why Do You Want To Get Married?

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